I heard a saying that stuck in my head one day. A day that prompted a great deal of changes in my life’s journey. That saying is this:
We begin life as a seed pollinated by another. Our growth depends on the type of soil we have been planted into and what nourishment we did or did not receive.
The lack of nourishment can stunt the growth and development of the evolving organism, whether it is a plant, animal or human being.
Human children who have experienced a series of adverse childhood events arrests the development of the child’s personality and development in a variety of ways.
A child who feels unsafe in their home environment are constantly walking on the broken glass of their fragmented innocence that has violated their trust in their caretakers and in themselves and are in a constant state of stress. The ‘roots’ that give them a sense of stability have been deeply compromised.
As a result their physical bodies internal mechanisms evoke a neurological and chemical response feeling constantly threatened or imminent danger every day. Children who undergo this daily, over a long period of time, leads to the bodies inability to regulate itself.
Trauma is stored in both the body and the mind. The perpetual overload of stress released in the body virtually changes their developing brain – and establishes a foundation for dysfunctions in their body. This keeps them in a constant state of hypervigilance under stress and duress because the ‘threat’ to their well-being is still imminent.
The fight, flight, freeze response to stress has been deeply studied. These evoke various responses that become an internal coping mechanism on both the body and mind for all humans.
In a child who undergoes repetitive abuses it becomes hard-wired into the autonomic nervous system that keeps them trapped in a constant state of stress and builds an unwitting repetitive automatic response when triggered. When left untreated the hardwired autonomic responses continue as they grow and become adults.
Learning this has been an eye-opener. As I child I always asked the unanswerable question a child asks, “Why?” It set me on a life long journey to find the answers to that one simple question. In the process, I have seen and learned many things about myself.
The beauty is that my Spirit guides and my Soul’s internal navigation system has led me on a path of Self-Healing and toward Self-Mastery all these years. I realize now that my whole life journey has been designed to bring me a much deeper awareness of the Spirit-Mind-Body connections.
It has also shown me how abuse and the abuse of power has perpetuated itself in our world…and it needs to stop if we want Life as we know it to Survive.
The human body is a Temple of Love that houses the Spirit of one’s Soul. It is created by the Sacred union of the masculine and feminine forces of our Universe.
God, the Divine Breath and Spirit of Love planted the seed of Life in His Goddess, our Mother Earth, who was created and fashioned by the hand of God – to bring forth Life. All species reproduces and perpetuates Life in a similar fashion.
The human physical body is a microcosmic mirror of the Divine forces of our Universe. We hold inside of us the power of the Divine to bring forth Life and we have the ability to create what we want to see in our world.
We all carry within our body the Elemental forces of nature inside of us.
The Air that we breathe – is Holy.
The Planet that we walk on and all that is upon it – is Holy.
The Water that provides nourishment all Living things – is Holy.
The Fire and Light of Life itself that burns inside of us – is Holy.
Life itself – is Holy and the glue that holds it all together is Love.
We live on Sacred Ground within this Sacred Space of time in our human lifespan, yet we treat our world as a commodity, a passing thought and simply take it for granted that it will be there when we wake up every morning. We do not reflect on it as being a Holy Living entity.
Abuse and the abuse of power has become a global entity. We have appointed leaders in our governments that have allowed politicians and corporations to poison our air, our water, our soil and pillage the natural resources that sustains all of Life with impunity. We don’t have the power to vote for the Bills they put into play with their bed partners and therefore our right to Life and Liberty has been slowly stripped from us.
Within us, we treat our bodies in the same manner. We buy food instead of growing our own, and what our politician and corporations feed us are genetically modified by industrialists and poisoned by pesticides that constantly harms our inner environment all in the name of money and power over the masses.
We have given away our power to politicians in bed with corporations and have allowed them free reign over our sovereign right to Life. They have bastardized and rewritten the original human rights instituted by the Magna Carta which was the precursor to the Bill of Rights in the Constitution of the United States, establishing the minimal rights afforded to all living things under the natural laws of Life itself.
Abuse has an insidious way of changing people. Trust is broken. We are taught to conform to what is socially acceptable. We are used and abused by those who lord themselves over us as our true power to love is stripped away – piece by piece. Is it any wonder why people are angry?
Reclaiming ones’ individual personal power is a pivotal point that is much needed. People are beginning to wake up and realize that what our world needs now is something drastically new. The old paradigms are dying. It is making way for the rebirth of humanity and our world. That rebirth begins with each human being doing their part to reclaim this Sacred Ground in this Sacred Space.
Change and transformation begins within each person. It starts by healing our own internal wounds so we can see and perceive things more clearly to speak and act with kindness and generosity toward all Life…including each other.
My baby sister had the heart of an Amazon warrior woman who was more than willing to engage her rage to set someone straight. You could knock her down but you couldn’t keep her down. She would rise like a Fury in fairy tales and could hold her own against any man.
From what I have seen and heard, Rhonda Rousey had nothing on her and would have probably had a hard time taking my sister down. Over the years it appeared that the everlasting effects of abuse had generated an unquenchable raging fire inside of her. A fire that compelled her to stand up, speak out or pull you across the kitchen table and beat the living pulp out of you with a fervor unmatched by many.
My sister wasn’t rich by worldly standards, yet her abundance held more value than what the world banks could ever hold. My sister was ‘enriched’ beyond measure with a more lasting treasure that included all of the things that money can NEVER buy.
My sister was a woman who would give you the shirt off her back and her very last dime. Her door was open to those in need. She was a woman who had no need or use for greed. She was a woman who held a deep abiding faith, even during the toughest of times. She would tell me that there was always that inner whisper of knowing, that no matter what, everything would be fine.
My sister was a compassionate soul that was mirrored by her being a caretaker of many who was not her own. “I keep taking in strays!” she would say, “I can’t help it.” Young ones who had nothing or nowhere to go tugged at her heartstrings. There were even some who were visiting and instead found themselves a place in her heart and her home.
My sister loved her children and her grandchildren to the very depths of her soul. She gave each of them what she could with what she had. Her words were not always well-chosen, nor her actions always a choice made consciously, but she ALWAYS did the best she could at any given moment in time.
Her children and grandchildren were the true points of light in her life. Each one of them will carry some of her traits, characteristics, talents, gifts and many memories that will sustain them as they move forward forging a path of their own.
The hardships they all endured will give them a depth of strength to overcome any adversity they may have to face in the years to come. They have been nourished with a special cup of wisdom that supersedes the wisdom of this world. They will have to fend for themselves now, but they have all the tools and knowledge they need to make their own way in this world and to make the world a much better place to be in.
I know my sister will still be there when they need her the most. She will continue to fight for them on the other side. They too have the backbone, the willpower, and that fighting spirit inside of them.
I wasn’t able to spend much time with my sister through the years, but I came to know and understand her more deeply than others really knew. All my brothers and sisters were affected by the abuse we all received and my baby sister carried additional battle scars of her own. The unresolved, deep-seated wounds that remained unhealed in her heart and mind turned cancerous over time.
My sister passed away from brain cancer on May 30th, 2019. Her body was riddled with cancer after her second brain surgery. After this last surgery, we were informed that her cancer had spread to her lungs, chest and was deeply embedded in her left hip joint.
My family was told that recent tests revealed that the cancer in her hip socket had turned to gangrene, and that the doctors wanted to take her leg, shortly after the brain surgery was done. My sister refused. She was tired, she had had enough and was ready to go home.
My sister’s celebration of life services was held on her birthday June 5th and she was laid to rest the next day. She is home now with her daughter Jennifer, our mother, and my oldest brother. She is no longer suffering and in pain…and for that I am grateful. She will always hold a very special place in my heart, my mind and my soul. I will miss her presence. Her death touched me deeply. Perhaps I will share that in my book.
Through all of this I have seen and learned that the pattern of abuse is handed down from one generation to the next. My family alone has given birth to what is now the 3rd generation of children that may still be affected by the abuse their parents recieved in their childhood because their parents have yet to heal their own wounds. I have even seen snippets of it in my own children as they begin to raise their own. I see much more in some of my nieces, nephews and their own children.
I have learned that the effects of abuse are not only far-reaching, but I have also seen how it destroys lives and how it is now destroying the Gift of Life itself. I can also see how it has easily expanded to become a global entity in our world.
When I look outward and reflect on what I have learned, I realize that there is not a soul on this planet that has not experienced abuse in some form. It weighs on my heart to see such beauty scarred in this Garden of Eden. We never truly left it you know. Earth is our heavenly home and even she has not been left unscathed by the abuses wrought upon our environment from human thinking, human greed and dismissive human deeds.
Those of us who have survived the trauma of abuse have unwittingly perpetuated some of the unhealed patterns of abuse in our children – and it needs to stop.
Stopping abuse begins inside each individual. It begins with me and you. Our words and our actions can harm or they can heal. I am much more mindful of what I think, how I think and why I think and feel the way I do.
I hope you will take time to think before you speak or react in anger, frustration or rage to those you encounter every day.
Be the change by becoming the game-changer for our world. Blessed Be.
Much time has elapsed since my last post. I have been recovering from a surgery that took place at the end of November. My apologies to my readers and those who follow my blog. I am healing on many levels.
The holiday season was enriched with the recent solstice. It is the time of the long dark here in North America and in truth, it is a season to appreciate and to celebrate all that we have been given. The solstice ceremony celebrates a time of deep reflection through the winter months. We become like a bear going into hibernation to rest, reflect, dream and renew ourselves for the spring.
During my time of reflection, I have learned many things by writing about my life’s journey. I have had to dig deep into some frozen ground to reach the warm soil that held the nourishment my soul has sought outside of myself for so many years. Nourishment that laid dormant inside me like a seed that sleeps in the winter and I am grateful to have uprooted some deep truth’s that have evaded me for many years.
Life is Sacred – All of Life. Our purpose here on Earth is to learn our capacity to Love. The relationships we have with each other, with our families, our coworkers or for any soul or living thing that exists in this world is a mirror. A mirror that reflects the dual nature inside of us all. A nature that has the capacity to be either negative or positive. When we reflect the negative it reveals attributes, characteristics or qualities inside of us that need to be healed.
So think of the words that you speak to another and those that you think inside your head about yourself. That which you judge and criticize leaves a wound that can hurt or harm another. A wound that they may carry around inside their soul.
Our world harbors many wounds and many wounded warriors, yet inside those wounds are hidden treasures. Treasures that have been hidden, buried and sometimes forgotten. Be kind, be generous, give someone a hand up and shine the light of Love to all who cross your path.
We are human beings, both you and me – and yet we are so much more than we appear to be. We are composed of millions of particles of Light inside of us at the very core of our being. We are co-creators with the Divine unseen forces, both within us and within the fabric of this Garden of Life. Our existence…matters.
When we hold the Light of our heart – every moment we breathe holds the potential of what yet can be, but when the light is subdued by the shadows of our wounds we find ourselves bathed in fear or awash in grief. We tend to forget what we can achieve and become blind to what others may need. When we hide the Light inside us, our world seems to suffer an immeasurable number of things.
It’s a simple fact that humans are destroying our world. We have turned a blind eye and ignored the plethora of evidence all around us. There are thousands of other living beings and lifeforms that have been annihilated and more still suffering from the human storm. Old paradigms we were taught to believe has brought us to this present moment in time.
When I look back at the years of my Life and I see beyond the mundane news and take in the overall effect of humans on this planet. My heart hurts. I see patterns that have shaped the current conditions in our country and around the world. I see the shadow of abuses from the past, how it has grown into a global entity in the abuse of power and the rise of what the King James version of the Bible calls – the god of Mammon or money
When we hold the Light of our soul – we Inspire others. When we hold the Light of our heart forward to see – it dispels the darkness so others can see that the Light inside of them is also needed. When we share the Light – we Help Life heal.
Imagine the land, water, and air would be pristine because no one is raping or pillaging the resources of our planet for profit. Educating children to become the new stewards of Life and caretakers of our heavenly home.
Imagine the blessings and bounty of the Mother Earth recovered from the centuries of abuse from the greed of mankind. Imagine our ability to recapture Her full bounty, Her grace and Her blessings for all.
Imagine future stewards of faith and vision working together with each other to feed ourselves and one another, to cultivate, harvest and prepare the free natural God given medicines, health, and care for ourselves, our families and each other instead of the need for greed.
Imagine that. No one would go hungry, no one would have to worry about medical bills, or paying for education. No one would need to be concerned about a corporate toxic waste dump in their backyard or poisoned wells or aquifers from mining uranium that is killing them or their children. No nuclear waste or garbage under our feet bleeding into the soil where our food grows or illegally being dumped in our oceans.
Can you Imagine the whole world having Tesla’s free sustainable energy that no one has to pay for? No electric grid would be needed, no oil spills, no drilling and no need for fossil fuels. Imagine no homeless people – ever. Imagine no senior citizen not able to pay their mortgage or light bill in the winter or sitting without food because their medicine is outrageously high.
Imagine a child’s education geared toward what they are drawn to naturally. Imagine our warriors at home, caring for the home front here at home instead of fighting a wasteful political war to control a region or a marketplace or a commodity. Imagine people working together to build someone a house, a community center, a healing center, local gardens, farms or hydroponic stations, building and setting up solar panels.
So what would the governments and corporations do? Here’s a thought. They are fired and reassigned a new title with specific tasks that would provide every community with the necessary mandated materials in each State. Each State would distribute and deliver the necessary sustainable materials to each community and or individual at no charge. Maybe even require them to help put all the pieces together once they get there.
I believe all things are possible. I believe the destiny of humanity can change. I believe we can heal ourselves, each other and our planet. I believe we can enrich the whole world by making it sustainable for All Life. It is only the mind of mankind needs to change.
You and I may not see this Garden of Eden restored in our lifetime, but perhaps it could be a dream for future generations to aspire toward. Think, Dream and Imagine the different Future for yourself, your children and this beautiful blue jewel in the Heavens that is designed to sustain All Life.
Dancing the Sacred Spiral is what we all do whether we are aware of it or not.
Dancing this Sacred Spiral is what we all do whether we are aware of it or not. We experience something that reminds us of an unhealed wound. That wound is reopened and we are flooded with memories, thought patterns and emotions we ‘thought’ we were done with, only now we are forced to look at the experience or experiences again.
Know Thyself, Heal Thyself were the words that were written over the Temples in Delphi, Greece centuries ago. Words that I took to heart because I knew the exorbitant costs of professional counseling were way out of reach for me; and, even if I did have counsel I knew I would still have to do the work myself anyway.
“Children learn what they Live” I know this – we all do.
Some of us are quite aware of what we have learned from childhood on up. Some do not. Our personalities and character grow on the spiral upward from childhood based on our experiences and encounters with life and other human beings.
As an abuse survivor, I have had to dig deep to uproot the hidden lessons from the first 38 years of my life. You would think I would have learned and healed all of the issues associated with the things I endured in those years, but here it is 23 years later and I find that I have not.
My healing journey is an ongoing process that takes me back to dig through some very deep-seated issues, sadness and emotions I thought I was done with. Mentally and emotionally it sucks but, don’t get me wrong, I am truly grateful when I unearth the hidden issues that need to be reviewed because I know that there is more that needs to be reconciled, forgiven and released.
Hurtful experiences from the past tend to be on a subconscious trigger that flips the switch to automatic ‘recall’. We have no choice but to ‘remember’ it when the memory or memories resurface into consciousness. When it happens then it becomes my job to review and redefine the experience and the emotions that go along with it. Only then can I refile that old memory with a more positive mindset, viewpoint, and emoticon to go with it.
This repetitive process of review has given me an updated perspective and a new way of looking at things. It has adjusted the perception of myself, other people and our world. May it be so with you.
(Note: “Children learn what they Live” is a limited self-published, self-distributed channeled booklet of poems written by the author during her healing journey in 2007.)
I am taking a leap of faith today and would like to share a chapter from my memoir. I haven’t completely settled on the name of my book, but for now, it seems fitting to follow through with the name I have applied to it in my mind. For the moment, I think “Snippets of Time” seems fitting.
I am taking a leap of faith today and would like to share a chapter from my memoir. I haven’t completely settled on the name of my book, but for now, it seems fitting to follow through with the name I have applied to it in my mind. For the moment, I think “Snippets of Time” seems fitting.
My memoir is about the effects of abuse on a child and how abuse has grown and has become magnified throughout society today. We see and experience it all around us from individuals to those business and from those at all levels of government around the world.
There is no human being on the face of this planet who has not been touched by it in some form. No one is immune from its grasp nor are they immune from its effects. It has touched us all and it is time to change it.
Some of you may find this chapter disturbing, yet it is a true account of an event that has been burned in my soul. It has affected my development and my personality in more ways that I can tell you, and this is just a small part of what I have experienced in my lifetime. If you feel so led to respond – I would be honored to hear some feedback from you.
We have all walked down a road less traveled and have found ourselves in a situation or an experience that throws us off track for awhile. Some find themselves being in the wrong place at the wrong time and some may have found themselves unwittingly pulled into something that they cannot get out of.
Either way, we find ourselves feeling lost in the middle of an unknown forest and realize that our internal navigation system has been completely knocked offline. We just can’t seem to get a signal to get our bearings. We feel disoriented, unsettled, unnerved, anxious, angry, dismayed, concerned, worried or even frightened. We are overwrought and overwhelmed by the plethora of thoughts bombarding our mind and the tsunami of emotions that wipes away all sense and sensibility.
Our attempt to get back on track is continually thwarted as we seek higher ground to get our bearings. We find ourselves in uncharted territory on an unknown path fumbling and stumbling over roots that have been buried deep under a canopy of leaves that have fallen. At first glance the withered leaves look dry but we soon realize that those leaves are damp and slick underneath, nor can we see what lurks underneath them as we try to climb our way out.
We are alone on a road that is unknown and untraveled and we feel isolated from the so-called civilized, as we attempt to gauge or redirect our sense of direction and go into to survival mode basics.
Most of us know that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, and most of us know that moss tends to grow on the north side of a tree. That basic information gives us the directions of East, West and North respectively, but without a map and knowing how to read the map, we realize that we are still unable to get from point A to point B. We still feel lost and intuitively know that things could go South pretty quickly. So what do we do now?
Panic is not our friend. We know this, so we close our eyes, take a deep breath (or a few) and allow our mind time to calm down. Some of us will say a prayer for guidance and sometimes that is enough as the sun sets over the horizon and the darkness encroaches us. We take inventory of what we have to work with, sifting through our pockets for the resources we have on-hand and find a shelter to protect us from the elements.
When the sun rises in the morning we say a prayer of gratitude for yet another day. Our circumstances may not have changed but we always have a choice to change it as the sun diminishes the mist in mountains of our mind. Once the clouds dissipate we become more clear and return to the track where the train derailed us.
Standing on the track we begin to see we have a choice of direction. We can either go back down the track where we came from or we can continue to move forward. Which will you choose?
Old news and experiences have a way of weighing us down, locked in a search to unravel hidden beliefs. My mind has been heavy in healing work
Picture taken from my Hummingbird Vine
A cool breeze lifted the branches of the trees as I watched the hummingbirds dance around the feeder outside my door this morning. It seemed they were synchronized under the spell of life’s music. The branches of the poplar waved its greeting and beckoned me to come join in the dance. Working from home can sometimes make you feel caged with the hours necessary to make a living. It had been awhile since I have spent time in nature and decided to get out for awhile.
Old news and experiences have a way of weighing us down, locked in a search to unravel hidden beliefs. My mind has been heavy in healing work and I felt the need to get my bare feet in the grass to reconnect with Mother Earth’s life giving essences. I am grateful to have chosen that.
When I stepped outside my door it was quite clear that I hadn’t been outside in awhile. My hummingbird vine exploded in beautiful growth this season weaving its delicate tendrils around the front landing and reaching skyward to embrace the fake shutters surrounding our front window.
My husband is such a loving soul and has expressed his concern of this happening. When I went to tend to them I realized how entangled a mass they had become and decided it would be wise to disengage its progress. As I began to unweave the braided strands I thought of the meaning associated with these tiny gifts of creation.
Hummingbirds have a way of bringing joyful delight in just watching them. They seem to conjure up images of purity and for me and the dance we dance with those around us. Everything in world is in a constant state of movement, even things that seem to be stationary – we just can’t see the molecules with our human vision. We have to look deeper.
As a seeker of Truth, on my own personal journey to heal from abuse, I realized as I unwound the cord of vines of this delicate plant, I understood the mirror it reflected back to me of what was going on inside my heart and mind. Each small featherlike strand represented “thoughts” that kept me bound to old patterns of thinking. As the years passed new thoughts were braided into the rope like weave I was holding.
As a child, I realized that the joy I once knew was lost to me at the age of five. It was choked off and buried deep down inside from that first beating. The joy of exploring my world was also suppressed that same day I was punished for coming home late from school. It seems I was dissociated from my eternal essence of love when I was made to feel like I didn’t matter.
So as I stood there acknowledging what my heart whispered to me in that moment, I chose to turn my efforts into a moving meditation. Unwinding each bundle of tiny fragile vines and leaves takes both time and patience, and with each strand I unwound my spirit lifted. Joy came into my heart in just doing the task as the wind danced around me whispering its song. It took an hour for the first bundle, and an hour and a half for the second to be rewoven along the iron fence housing the enclave of a sanctuary for my tiny friends.
I have been seeking the succulent nectar of joy and could never engage in its fullness. Now I understood why. As I continue to unravel the mystery that is still hidden in me I am rediscovering my true essence. I am a healer and a teacher in my own way and I love to create beauty in various artforms. I let that all go when I moved to this State, to appease and please the opinions of others instead of listening to my own heart.
Today I am reclaiming my joy. Today I am reclaiming my right to use the gifts I have been given, and my right to choose to use those gifts to make life better for others and humanity as a whole. Today I am reclaiming my sovereign right to just Be me.
The Shadow Knows
It Silently Observes.
The Actor, the Actress
The Goddess and the God,
Memory keeper and healer.
She is the Key to Me.
She is both darkness & light,
Devil & Angel.
The Navigator & Director of your Dreams.
The Regulator of Health
And everything in between.
She is loyal and loving
Playful and resourceful,
A communicator to All Living Things.
The One who Walks between Two Worlds
Of what is visible and of what is unseen.
It stands at Ground Zero
At the Sacred Center
Upon Sacred Ground
In that Sacred Space
At the Core of my Being.
It is the True Essence of Me.