It has been awhile since I have written here and I have been doing some deep healing. Writing about my life has been difficult to experience. It continues to take a toll on my body, mind and soul; yet, I am grateful to learn what it has taught me.
I see the depth of its impact more clearly. Even as a remote viewer, it still impacts my nervous system. Each memory reviewed still activates the defense mechanisms associated with the fight, flight, freeze response from perpetual stress.
This automatic response has been imprinted on my nervous system since childhood and both my body and my mind are still affected by it after all these years. It used to stay on 24/7, but I learned meditation is a tool of the mind and for me it dissolves some of the effects that allows me to function well.
Self-Mastery has been a life-long path of self awareness and healing for me. It requires a person to take a good hard look at their lives and themselves. Yet that has been my lifepath and it is the work Spirit is having me do.
Uprooting issues and cleaning old wounds has not been an easy task and I still have more work to do. Unveiling conditioned beliefs, ferreting out negative thought patterns, digging deep into my true feelings just to get to the truth of it all. Believe me when I say, ‘the epiphanies have been many,’ and not all of them have been pretty.
When I looked in the mirror what I saw was a reflection of my earthly body, but it is only the outer shell. It is not the true me.
I don’t meet people well and I am difficult to get to know. My trust in humans is minute and because of that I have maintained less than a handful people who I would call friend.
If you were to first meet me you would feel the part of me that is guarded. The part of me that no one is allowed to hurt anymore.
I tend to stand aloof to assess who and what I am facing, including you. The anima of me serves us well when it puts up a perimeter that is not easy to get through. People tend to walk around me.
It’s time to take a leap of faith and break down ‘some’ barriers, come out of my shell and just be me.
When my last business failed I gave up. I was deflated and just stopped caring. I worked my tail off just to get through school only to get the rug pulled out from under me yet again.
I went into a deep depression that lasted nearly eight years. That depression was magnified when my oldest brother and youngest sister passed away. Their deaths made me remember that I was not the only child abused in my family. Today, I see how the effects of abuse has affected each and every one of us.
I was sixteen years old when I ran away from home. I was gone for a week. When I came home to tell them why I ran away, I was beaten to hell and back from the garage bedroom, through the kitchen and living room and thrown out of the house.
I was shunned by my siblings throughout my senior year of high school, but it wasn’t their fault. My stepfather’s edict to them on my departure threatened extreme bodily harm to all of them if they so much as looked at me, much less spoke to me in school. All I could think of is what happened to me when I was five and I understood what that ‘extreme’ could mean and dealt with it. When I left the house that day, another family graciously took me in until I graduated from high school.
When I screwed up that four year RN nursing scholarship in the first semester, I went back to that other family for a short time when my oldest brother called me out of the blue and offered to have me come visit for a week or so and figure out where to go from there…and that is when the living nightmare of my life began.
A nightmare that took thirteen months of my life away when my brother, his new wife and me were arrested for a murder and arson my brother and I did not commit. The media had a field day and my family was bombarded by that bombshell.
My mother heard it on the news while driving down the road just like everyone else in the world. My brothers and sisters experienced the brunt of the media hype in school and in public. They too learned how cruel people can be.
What bothers me though, is that not a single person in my has family ever asked me what really happened back then. Not one. Not even to this day. Maybe they will read the book to find out someday.
I was eighteen years old then. I am 62 years old now and I am not the same teenager I was all those years ago. I understand how abuse has affected all of us. Do you?
It’s time to mend old wounds.
I am grateful for my life. It has taught me a great deal about people. Spirit has taught me to see things from a different perspective. Where I once asked as a child, “Where is the love, Lord? I don’t see it anywhere.” I know now that it has to rise up in both you and me. The truth will indeed set you free if you are willing to face it.
I am grateful to have a devoted, kind and loving man husband. In all the years we have been together we have never had an argument. He knows some of what I have been through. He may not understand the science of how it affects my body and mind, but his heart understands me. He sees me walking around in circles and gives me the grace to work it out and heal. I love him dearly for that and I am truly grateful to have him in my life.
My message to you is this. Heal old wounds. Do it for yourself. Then make amends if must needs be.
Forgiveness is God’s key to inner peace.
May your day be blessed.