I am a wife, mother, an aspiring author, and a woman who has come a long way on her life's journey, to heal from the effects of childhood abuse. It is my hope you will walk with me awhile as the story unfolds.
I heard a saying that stuck in my head one day. A day that prompted a great deal of changes in my life’s journey. That saying is this:
We begin life as a seed pollinated by another. Our growth depends on the type of soil we have been planted into and what nourishment we did or did not receive.
The lack of nourishment can stunt the growth and development of the evolving organism, whether it is a plant, animal or human being.
Human children who have experienced a series of adverse childhood events arrests the development of the child’s personality and development in a variety of ways.
A child who feels unsafe in their home environment are constantly walking on the broken glass of their fragmented innocence that has violated their trust in their caretakers and in themselves and are in a constant state of stress. The ‘roots’ that give them a sense of stability have been deeply compromised.
As a result their physical bodies internal mechanisms evoke a neurological and chemical response feeling constantly threatened or imminent danger every day. Children who undergo this daily, over a long period of time, leads to the bodies inability to regulate itself.
Trauma is stored in both the body and the mind. The perpetual overload of stress released in the body virtually changes their developing brain – and establishes a foundation for dysfunctions in their body. This keeps them in a constant state of hypervigilance under stress and duress because the ‘threat’ to their well-being is still imminent.
The fight, flight, freeze response to stress has been deeply studied. These evoke various responses that become an internal coping mechanism on both the body and mind for all humans.
In a child who undergoes repetitive abuses it becomes hard-wired into the autonomic nervous system that keeps them trapped in a constant state of stress and builds an unwitting repetitive automatic response when triggered. When left untreated the hardwired autonomic responses continue as they grow and become adults.
Learning this has been an eye-opener. As I child I always asked the unanswerable question a child asks, “Why?” It set me on a life long journey to find the answers to that one simple question. In the process, I have seen and learned many things about myself.
The beauty is that my Spirit guides and my Soul’s internal navigation system has led me on a path of Self-Healing and toward Self-Mastery all these years. I realize now that my whole life journey has been designed to bring me a much deeper awareness of the Spirit-Mind-Body connections.
It has also shown me how abuse and the abuse of power has perpetuated itself in our world…and it needs to stop if we want Life as we know it to Survive.
We are all born into this world innocent and mindless. We are dependant on our caretakers to teach us what we need to know. What we are taught by our caretakers, our teachers and the social structure of our culture takes shape on a blank canvas that becomes our personality as we grow.
We are taught as children what is acceptable behavior and what is not. We are taught to conform to become socially acceptable in the eyes of our parents, our peers and in public. The foundational teachings we learn in early childhood seems to establish a deep-seated belief that conditions us to seek love, approval, and acceptance from other people in order to feel good enough about ourself, to feel worthy of attention and to feel of value in our world.
I can tell you that when a child is abused, locked in a closet, beaten nearly to death, shunned, ignored, disrespected, defiled, violated, blown off or unacknowledged repetitively they begin to feel as if they don’t matter. Some of us feel invisible, unworthy, unloveable, unwanted or not good enough.
Some feel as if no one sees them, others don’t wish to be seen. They feel as if they don’t fit, no one understands them and that no one really hears them. Some stay in the background, blend into the walls and watch in silence. Others believe that no one cares if they live or die, no wants them around and no one cares about what they think or what they are feeling anyway.
Repetitive events of abuse tend to ignite a mental thinking pattern of their parents’ voices evoking a cycle of self-judgment, self-criticism, shame and unwarranted guilt that takes them down a very dark road and drops them off into a pit of depression, apathy, anxiety, and self-destruction.
Some adapt and manage to become functional. You see them on the streets. You see them at the checkout counter in your local store, you even speak with them in your office…but you wouldn’t notice them as an abuse survivor if you didn’t know their story. Some become abusive to others and to themselves.
As they grow into adults, they begin to wonder why they do the things they do and why they think the way they do. No one has ever told them that it doesn’t have to stay that way. No one ever taught them how to heal their old wounds. So let me share this to those who still wonder and wander aimlessly for answers…
STOP! Stop the mindless repetitive parent tape rolling around in your head!
Push the eject button, pull out the damn tape and burn that sucker…
Now repeat this to yourself…every time it tries to replay in an echo anyway.
YOU MATTER MORE THAN YOU KNOW…
What you Think Matters.
What you Feel Matters.
Your Voice Matters.
Your Life, Your Dreams and Goals Matter!.
You would not have been born in this world
…if you were not meant to be here.
You don’t need to strive to BE someone
…because you ARE someone!
You are here for a reason.
Your existence has a purpose.
You are here to learn, to evolve and to be the best that you can be.
Our Soul experiences it all. Whether it is the nightmare of disconnection, stagnation, and redundancy or the gathering of minds, movement, and exploration into the unknown. The joy of an epiphany comes to lead us to a new phase of growth as we traverse the challenges we all face every day.
The Soul’s voice is always expressed from the truth of the Heart when we allow the heart to guide us quietly through the storm of challenges we face and feels either the disappointment or the praise of our spoken words or the actions that we take.
In the Native traditions, when we ‘Walk the Path of the Beauty’ in this world, we come to realize that it is not the way of the world, nor is it the way of the ego. The path of beauty is the way of the True Soul that rides in our heart and expresses itself from the heart.
Each step that we take kisses the earth with our feet, each person with our heart and all living things with each breath that we take.
Each experience contains a lesson we must learn from that will allow us to grow in the light of truth so we may set our own ego free from its internal miseries.
Every day is a new day that holds the potential of what yet can be a reality. When we are mindfully present in each moment and conscious of the words we speak and the actions we take, we create a chain-reaction of feelings and emotions in another living being that will, in turn, affect other living beings repetitively throughout any given day.
If what we say or what we do creates a harmful feeling to another we have brought war upon the world. If what we say or what we do creates healing in another, then we will have set the stage for hope, joy, kindness, compassion, and laughter and sent it out into our world…because when we do it for just one person or just one living thing you are doing it for All Living things.
The human body is a Temple of Love that houses the Spirit of one’s Soul. It is created by the Sacred union of the masculine and feminine forces of our Universe.
God, the Divine Breath and Spirit of Love planted the seed of Life in His Goddess, our Mother Earth, who was created and fashioned by the hand of God – to bring forth Life. All species reproduces and perpetuates Life in a similar fashion.
The human physical body is a microcosmic mirror of the Divine forces of our Universe. We hold inside of us the power of the Divine to bring forth Life and we have the ability to create what we want to see in our world.
We all carry within our body the Elemental forces of nature inside of us.
The Air that we breathe – is Holy.
The Planet that we walk on and all that is upon it – is Holy.
The Water that provides nourishment all Living things – is Holy.
The Fire and Light of Life itself that burns inside of us – is Holy.
Life itself – is Holy and the glue that holds it all together is Love.
We live on Sacred Ground within this Sacred Space of time in our human lifespan, yet we treat our world as a commodity, a passing thought and simply take it for granted that it will be there when we wake up every morning. We do not reflect on it as being a Holy Living entity.
Abuse and the abuse of power has become a global entity. We have appointed leaders in our governments that have allowed politicians and corporations to poison our air, our water, our soil and pillage the natural resources that sustains all of Life with impunity. We don’t have the power to vote for the Bills they put into play with their bed partners and therefore our right to Life and Liberty has been slowly stripped from us.
Within us, we treat our bodies in the same manner. We buy food instead of growing our own, and what our politician and corporations feed us are genetically modified by industrialists and poisoned by pesticides that constantly harms our inner environment all in the name of money and power over the masses.
We have given away our power to politicians in bed with corporations and have allowed them free reign over our sovereign right to Life. They have bastardized and rewritten the original human rights instituted by the Magna Carta which was the precursor to the Bill of Rights in the Constitution of the United States, establishing the minimal rights afforded to all living things under the natural laws of Life itself.
Abuse has an insidious way of changing people. Trust is broken. We are taught to conform to what is socially acceptable. We are used and abused by those who lord themselves over us as our true power to love is stripped away – piece by piece. Is it any wonder why people are angry?
Reclaiming ones’ individual personal power is a pivotal point that is much needed. People are beginning to wake up and realize that what our world needs now is something drastically new. The old paradigms are dying. It is making way for the rebirth of humanity and our world. That rebirth begins with each human being doing their part to reclaim this Sacred Ground in this Sacred Space.
Change and transformation begins within each person. It starts by healing our own internal wounds so we can see and perceive things more clearly to speak and act with kindness and generosity toward all Life…including each other.
subdued in the cacophony of sound, vibrations, and voices.
No one hears me…
and yet I am not alone
In my Silence,
I hear many others crying out…
each with a subtle tone of their own.
….From the Heart – 07/2004
We are all descendants of Atom and ‘E’.
We are but one of many species, yet we know not our own complexities. We are a species composed of varying levels of intelligence. Intelligence levels that combine, entwine and dances between dimensions within our reality.
We are human crystals with the ability to transmit and receive and yet we are so much more that we appear to be. The purpose of our species was once clearly defined, yet we have forgotten that purpose and are no longer of one mind.
The strands of the past entwine with the present and what we do now sets the stage for our individual and collective future that will coincide with the longevity of our own species.
Discord, both internal and external, must be unraveled and untangled to see the truth of where we are now. We need to take a good, deep hard look at the overall impact that our species has made on our environment. Then we need to reflect on how we can achieve harmony within ourselves and within our world.
“Know Thyself…Heal Thyself”
These scholarly words were once inscribed in the archway that led the entrance to a temple in Delphi, Greece. Knowledge is nothing unless it is used. Knowledge that is used can become wisdom if we determine that the knowledge we learn is both the truth and true. All knowledge is not taught in the same schools.
My baby sister had the heart of an Amazon warrior woman who was more than willing to engage her rage to set someone straight. You could knock her down but you couldn’t keep her down. She would rise like a Fury in fairy tales and could hold her own against any man.
From what I have seen and heard, Rhonda Rousey had nothing on her and would have probably had a hard time taking my sister down. Over the years it appeared that the everlasting effects of abuse had generated an unquenchable raging fire inside of her. A fire that compelled her to stand up, speak out or pull you across the kitchen table and beat the living pulp out of you with a fervor unmatched by many.
My sister wasn’t rich by worldly standards, yet her abundance held more value than what the world banks could ever hold. My sister was ‘enriched’ beyond measure with a more lasting treasure that included all of the things that money can NEVER buy.
My sister was a woman who would give you the shirt off her back and her very last dime. Her door was open to those in need. She was a woman who had no need or use for greed. She was a woman who held a deep abiding faith, even during the toughest of times. She would tell me that there was always that inner whisper of knowing, that no matter what, everything would be fine.
My sister was a compassionate soul that was mirrored by her being a caretaker of many who was not her own. “I keep taking in strays!” she would say, “I can’t help it.” Young ones who had nothing or nowhere to go tugged at her heartstrings. There were even some who were visiting and instead found themselves a place in her heart and her home.
My sister loved her children and her grandchildren to the very depths of her soul. She gave each of them what she could with what she had. Her words were not always well-chosen, nor her actions always a choice made consciously, but she ALWAYS did the best she could at any given moment in time.
Her children and grandchildren were the true points of light in her life. Each one of them will carry some of her traits, characteristics, talents, gifts and many memories that will sustain them as they move forward forging a path of their own.
The hardships they all endured will give them a depth of strength to overcome any adversity they may have to face in the years to come. They have been nourished with a special cup of wisdom that supersedes the wisdom of this world. They will have to fend for themselves now, but they have all the tools and knowledge they need to make their own way in this world and to make the world a much better place to be in.
I know my sister will still be there when they need her the most. She will continue to fight for them on the other side. They too have the backbone, the willpower, and that fighting spirit inside of them.
I wasn’t able to spend much time with my sister through the years, but I came to know and understand her more deeply than others really knew. All my brothers and sisters were affected by the abuse we all received and my baby sister carried additional battle scars of her own. The unresolved, deep-seated wounds that remained unhealed in her heart and mind turned cancerous over time.
My sister passed away from brain cancer on May 30th, 2019. Her body was riddled with cancer after her second brain surgery. After this last surgery, we were informed that her cancer had spread to her lungs, chest and was deeply embedded in her left hip joint.
My family was told that recent tests revealed that the cancer in her hip socket had turned to gangrene, and that the doctors wanted to take her leg, shortly after the brain surgery was done. My sister refused. She was tired, she had had enough and was ready to go home.
My sister’s celebration of life services was held on her birthday June 5th and she was laid to rest the next day. She is home now with her daughter Jennifer, our mother, and my oldest brother. She is no longer suffering and in pain…and for that I am grateful. She will always hold a very special place in my heart, my mind and my soul. I will miss her presence. Her death touched me deeply. Perhaps I will share that in my book.
Through all of this I have seen and learned that the pattern of abuse is handed down from one generation to the next. My family alone has given birth to what is now the 3rd generation of children that may still be affected by the abuse their parents recieved in their childhood because their parents have yet to heal their own wounds. I have even seen snippets of it in my own children as they begin to raise their own. I see much more in some of my nieces, nephews and their own children.
I have learned that the effects of abuse are not only far-reaching, but I have also seen how it destroys lives and how it is now destroying the Gift of Life itself. I can also see how it has easily expanded to become a global entity in our world.
When I look outward and reflect on what I have learned, I realize that there is not a soul on this planet that has not experienced abuse in some form. It weighs on my heart to see such beauty scarred in this Garden of Eden. We never truly left it you know. Earth is our heavenly home and even she has not been left unscathed by the abuses wrought upon our environment from human thinking, human greed and dismissive human deeds.
Those of us who have survived the trauma of abuse have unwittingly perpetuated some of the unhealed patterns of abuse in our children – and it needs to stop.
Stopping abuse begins inside each individual. It begins with me and you. Our words and our actions can harm or they can heal. I am much more mindful of what I think, how I think and why I think and feel the way I do.
I hope you will take time to think before you speak or react in anger, frustration or rage to those you encounter every day.
Be the change by becoming the game-changer for our world. Blessed Be.
The Sands of time hold the remains of the challenges we have faced, both collectively and individually, throughout human history.
This morning my mind sifted through the sands of my lifepath. The strands that composed my thinking this morning reminded me of something I learned long ago. The sand we feel beneath our feet on the beach were once boulders.
Stones have been often used as placeholders that were firmly encased in the soil, held high on the side of a mountain or may have been graced to hold the sacred space of sacred ground of an ancient civilization in our world.
In many native traditions, the Stone People held both knowledge and information about the area in which it lay and its journey of how it got there. Those who were gifted were able to access the historical imprints and learn from them. Today, the modern term used to describe the gift of Psychometry.
I know it has been months since my last post. Much as happened in my corner of the world since I have written here. My computer crashed on the dawn of the New Year after attempting a fresh start. That fresh start wiped out the operating system from the computer manufacturer who just happened to close support for the unit in October.
I wondered what the Universe was telling me. Then the correlation hit me. I believe they were telling me that my internal operating system was in need of repair and I realized that I could no longer continue to operate from old patterned programs of thinking. It was time to delete old program files, get rid of empty folders and repair any broken short cuts in my mindset.
I dove into research, sought classes to glean knowledge, soaked up some remarkable webinars and learned a great deal. Then I took the time to dig more deeply into the shadows of yet more unresolved wounds. I was driven to uproot more empirical truths from the challenges I had faced in my youth and I am grateful that I did. The journey was a treasure trove that flooded me with a plethora of epiphanies that I will share in my book.
The most recent upheaval took place on May 30th, 2019 when my baby sister passed away. I will share some things about that experience in a separate post here soon.
Much time has elapsed since my last post. I have been recovering from a surgery that took place at the end of November. My apologies to my readers and those who follow my blog. I am healing on many levels.
The holiday season was enriched with the recent solstice. It is the time of the long dark here in North America and in truth, it is a season to appreciate and to celebrate all that we have been given. The solstice ceremony celebrates a time of deep reflection through the winter months. We become like a bear going into hibernation to rest, reflect, dream and renew ourselves for the spring.
During my time of reflection, I have learned many things by writing about my life’s journey. I have had to dig deep into some frozen ground to reach the warm soil that held the nourishment my soul has sought outside of myself for so many years. Nourishment that laid dormant inside me like a seed that sleeps in the winter and I am grateful to have uprooted some deep truth’s that have evaded me for many years.
Life is Sacred – All of Life. Our purpose here on Earth is to learn our capacity to Love. The relationships we have with each other, with our families, our coworkers or for any soul or living thing that exists in this world is a mirror. A mirror that reflects the dual nature inside of us all. A nature that has the capacity to be either negative or positive. When we reflect the negative it reveals attributes, characteristics or qualities inside of us that need to be healed.
So think of the words that you speak to another and those that you think inside your head about yourself. That which you judge and criticize leaves a wound that can hurt or harm another. A wound that they may carry around inside their soul.
Our world harbors many wounds and many wounded warriors, yet inside those wounds are hidden treasures. Treasures that have been hidden, buried and sometimes forgotten. Be kind, be generous, give someone a hand up and shine the light of Love to all who cross your path.
Photo by Marta Bernal from Pexels.com – CC0 free license
The School of Life has so much to teach – if only we would stop to observe and listen to the story whispered to our Soul. Sometimes we become inundated with the needs of people in our lives, at home, at work or no matter where we go. We see what is written on their faces that tells us without words where their mindset leans. We hear the words that are unspoken behind their eyes. We feel the impact of their words or actions when we are in their presence. The world outside our door teaches us what our schools do not and yet its language for many remains a mystery.
We see a tree renewed in the spring as the buds of their leaves and fruit are born forth reminding us that not all is lost and after walking the long dark of winter we feel the lifeblood of the Mother Earth come alive inside of us. We are like the trees before us. We Stand firmly rooted in our faith and know that we are still here and that Life renews itself. We are alive and are meant to thrive.
We see the four-legged beings in various forms sauntering by in their pursuits. A rabbit hops into sight trembling in fear of a winged predator that may come and sweep them into the air for dinner. It stops often to listen and look before it moves toward that tiny clump of lamb quarters not two feet away. When it arrives, its vigilance remains keen, its muscles tight and ready to sprint as it chews on the providence of abundance before them.
We hear the call of the hawk’s piercing cry, beckoning our attention to awareness. We become alert to our environment and become mindful of what we are doing and where we are going. It is Spirit’s messenger that begs us to follow the promptings of our heart instead of the wayward path of this world.
We stop long enough to look down and see a tiny ant, struggling with retrieving a succulent leaf 20 times its own size. It stops and assesses its targets position and thereby repositions itself in yet another attempt to lift and carry it home. The attempt fails but it does not give up. It continues the dance of assessment until alas he finds another way to retrieve Earth’s blessing. He hoists his heavy ladened treasure and moves around mountains of debris and any other obstacle in its path, never wavering in the task.
We see a lone flower in bloom sitting alone on a mountain of rocks. No other life can be seen around it. A tiny seed on the breeze has brought it into a stark empty environment, and yet this tiny seed found purchase in between the crack of one boulder. There is dug its roots deep to find the nourishment it needed to survive and thrive among a bunch of rocks. It withstood every windstorm holding firm. It braved the scorching heat of the sun-infused stones that tried to burn it out and the torrential rains that tried to uproot its foothold – and it grew to share its radiant beauty with all who passed on by.
I am grateful for Life and the ability to breathe.
I am grateful for all of Life’s mysteries.
I am grateful for my senses and sensibilities.
I am grateful to my parents for being absent…
… you made me unafraid to be on my own.
… you taught me to be my own woman.
I am grateful for your obtuse abuse…
…you taught me resilience,
…you taught me strength
…you taught me self-respect and resolve.
I am grateful for your criticisms…
…you taught me to be critical in my thinking.
…you taught me to think for myself.
…you taught me to see things from a different perspective.
…you taught me not to believe everything I heard.
I am grateful for betraying my innocence and trust…
…you opened my eyes to my reality.
…you taught me to see things more clearly.
…you taught me trust must be earned.
I am grateful to my siblings for shunning me…
…you taught me self-preservation was key.
I am grateful to all my family for abandoning me…
…you taught me to be self-reliant.
…you taught me to hold my head up and walk alone.
I am grateful to my ex-husband for your abuse…
…you taught me longsuffering and temperance.
…you became the catalyst for my healing journey from abuse.
I am grateful to my current husband and my children…
…you taught me acceptance.
…you taught me patience.
…you taught me it was safe to trust.
…you taught me it was safe to speak up.
…you taught me it was safe to step out of my comfort zone.
…you taught me it was okay to be who I am.
…you taught me Love really does exist in this world.
…you taught me to Believe in myself.
I am grateful You are here.
I am grateful You hear my heart.
I am grateful to You…for just being You.