Welcome to My Home Page

Believe in Miracles

Welcome to my small piece of heaven. A piece of my soul will be given here as I embark on this journey of becoming a writer and an aspiring author. Today, I have exchanged the pen and pad to type into the “ethers.” I am stepping beyond my tiny little home office to take this small leap of faith.

Writing was an escape and a way to silently express my heart. I am a woman who has managed to survive the overwhelming effects of child abuse. Today, I can see how the effects of abuse has been magnified and grown to become a global disorder within the body of humanity.  It has been an issue that has weighed heavily on my heart for over half a century.

As a child abuse caused me to dissociate. I retreated into “my own little world,” but it was in that world that I learned how to see, hear and perceive things differently. It was a world that inspired me to explore, to learn, to dive into the mystical unknown. As the years progressed with perpetual abuse it became a habit for me to withdraw and detach from the world around me.

When I had time to myself I would write, sketch or draw in that world of solitude and silence. A world that understood me, made me feel safe enough to express my tears, and where I immersed myself in that world. It was a defense mechanism that sustained my fractured soul and kept me from fragmenting and falling to pieces.

When I was growing up, the topic of abuse was met with wide-eyed palpable stares, judgments, assumptions and presumptions, that would lead to humiliation and embarrassment toward the person who dared to bring it up.  To mention abuse or even whisper it in public, was looked down on and frowned upon.

Abuse was a private thing that took place behind the closed doors of a man’s home. Societal protocols viewed it as the unspeakable thing and it was avoided in discreet and unassuming ways. No one wanted to hear it, no one wanted to know about it, and no one was allowed to speak of it – even if the evidence was standing right in front of them they would turn and walk away. It was either ignored completely, hushed up in a rush or quickly brushed off by those who didn’t want to hear or know of it. What saddens me the most is that it still goes on today.

As a young wife and mother I was still enslaved by that primal fear instilled within me at the age of five. I never knew that I had a Voice, because I was never allowed to have one. It took seventeen years to realize I married a verbal, mental and emotionally abusive man.  I was 38 years old when the light bulb came on and I learned that abuse “wasn’t normal.”

I know now, from just writing the first few chapters, how much more work needs to be done, and how deeply the physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse has affected me.  There are still unresolved issues that I am uprooting. Roots with fine hair-like entanglements that are still buried within the mind of the wounded child that rides inside me.

My goal is to express the heart of my soul.  I am a seeker of knowledge and I am a metaphysically minded believer of a much higher power than humanity could ever muster – A seeker and sage that is unmasking the authentic core of my being.

It is my prayer that you will join me as my journey unfolds

…..May your day be blessed.

9 thoughts on “Welcome to My Home Page”

  1. Wow. That was beautiful You are a gifted writer and create beautiful imagery with your words. Thank you. I too am a child of abuse and have most recently been plagued with my PTSD symptoms more now than ever before. I have become psychotropic medication free for the first time in over 25 years and it has been a blessing in disguise. All my symptoms are much better except my PTSD symptoms are more easily triggered and I am affected by them much more. I wonder if this is because the medications were acting like a band-aid and cover up and now that my brain is free from those chemicals my mind is more clear and I must learn to cope with the pain, anxiety and symptoms on my own. Memories have resurfaced with the feelings and emotions attached with them more than ever. I guess my brain has been protecting me for so long and the wounds are coming more to the surface at this time in my life. The problem is that my parents have continued the abuse and dysfunctional dynamics with our family and my role for them in it. It took until I became 55 years old (now) to finally realize what they have been doing all these years and the impact it has had on my life, heart and mind for so many years. It has become very freeing to finally figure it out, but I am continuing to learn more and see how dysfunctional and cruel and damaging they really were and are. The are so broken themselves and I have finally realized they will never and cannot change unfortunately. They have no desire to change. I need to stay away from them at this time in my life. It is not that I have left them, but instead I have left the old me… Thank you for reading my ramble.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for the follow and comment m’lady. I am personally not a big proponent of pharmaceuticals simply because they are specifically geared only to address the symptoms and not the cause. It also makes pharmaceutical companies billionaires off of our pain and suffering instead of addressing the root cause of the issue. For you, perhaps it gave your mind and your body a reprieve until the time was right and you were ready to address the effects abuse has had on you.
      As you stated, your symptoms are much better – that is most likely from the side effects of the pharmaceuticals and your body system is returning to a normal state of homeostasis both inside and out.
      Memories hold hidden keys, and emotions teach us what the soul (not the ego) knows to be true. Now, as an adult, you can make effective choices that are right and true for you where your parents are concerned to stop the cycle of abuse. They may not like it – but I have found that distance gives us Sacred ground in which to rebuild the foundation that was originally designed for us so we can heal. May it be so for you too.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Thank you very much. Yes my life was never the same after giving birth to my daughter 26 years ago. I had severe postpartum depression for sure. After that for 26 years I have lived a mental illness life mostly due from the severe side effects from the medications that were supposed to help me but nearly killed me instead. I listened to doctors. I cannot change the past of course, but I can help others and make the rest of me life the best of my life. I am happy you are smart and are not using medications. I will never take another, ever.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Please allow me to clarify myself – even though I am not a fan of pharmaceutical companies, I realize that there are some medications that can be beneficial to some people and their physical needs. Such as blood pressure medications for those whose body systems are severely out of balance.
          I stated what I feel and know about my physical body and when it comes to psychotropic drugs for me – no way in hell will I go there if there is no need. To me – there is no need and I will dig to the core of the earth to uproot the deeper issue if I have to – even if it kills me.

          Liked by 3 people

          1. I understand and I am totally wholeheartedly there with you. Of course, I wish I knew then what I know now. Now all I can do is try to help others so they will not go through what I did. What I do not know nor will I ever know is whether or not I was so severely sick after the postpartum depression because of mental illness or because of psychotropic medications. I wasted many years of my life because of those meds. Onward and forward I go. I am ready to live my best years and I am working on it.

            Liked by 2 people

  2. Awesome! Free your soul so that you may see, better yet, embrace all the beauty and wonder of whom you’ve been created to be! You’re one of the most awesome, amazing individuals that I know! Such a vessel of light- shine on, my dear friend, shine on!! Let the world know what’s up! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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