The Dormant Seed

person holding a green plant
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My mind has been wandering and wondering. I am looking back to what was and to what could be. My fingers are typing what my mind is thinking at this moment. Call it madness, call it melancholy, call it what you will.

There was an issue that came up while preparing for the middle portion of my memoir. I felt truly blessed when a writing colleague and friend was gracious enough to assist me with a little research.  The article that was found hit me like a baseball bat. The impact stunned me and I wasn’t prepared for the emotional tsunami that took the breath right out of me when I wasn’t looking.

I felt like I had been clotheslined by a five hundred pound linebacker that took me out of the game for a while.  I withdrew like a turtle and went on lockdown. I stopped writing. I avoided it like the plague. I needed time to unwind a forest of tangled vines in my mind.

Then it dawned on me that I never dealt with it – quite frankly it blew me away. When I looked back at how things unfolded after this drawn-out event was over I saw where I simply brushed it aside, stuffed it down, pushed past it and moved on to try and put my life back together with some semblance of order and purpose.

The mental, emotional and the physical repercussions from that series of events has come full circle. I have been dealing with some very old wounds. Wounds that I never truly looked at or ever dealt with.

The impact of that series of events affected the flow of my Life both inwardly and outwardly.  That unrequitable nightmare became embedded in my physical body,(As a massage therapist I know muscles hold memories)and was imprinted in the energy matrix or light of my soul.

The seeds sown during those 13 months had laid dormant inside me quietly taking root in the dark and have now come into season to be reviewed. Unresolved issues have a way of popping up when we least expect them to and when they unwittingly crop up it has a way of throwing us off course. My internal navigation system went haywire and I spiraled down into the depths of despair.

Negative thoughts can truly pollute the physical body on so many levels. When the issues associated with this long-term event rose up it exploded into my conscious and the ride thereafter turned me inside out unexpectedly. The emotions that were stuffed into the suitcase of dormancy were also retrieved from the lost and found area of the baggage claim department. It was extreme. My physical body reacted.

Recurring thought patterns came up for review. I had a choice to renew and refile the thought as it was, or review more it more deeply. When I dug deeper it was difficult to unmask hidden truths. Once ‘I got it’ then I had the option to refine, redefined and refile those thoughts in a totally different archive.

The difficulty I experience is when my conscious mind becomes flooded by the emotional tsunami that overwhelms whatever sense or sensibilities I have. My ability to reason begins to wane, and at times simply disappears. The term ‘brain fog’ doesn’t even come close to describe it.

My ability to think literally escapes me and unfortunately, a part of me goes with it! I walk around mindlessly as if a part of me has left to find answers and bring back some clarity. Its been a struggle to make sense of it all. The mental hula hoops I have to jump through becomes a regular 5-ring circus.

The emotional impact has been daunting – but fruitful. The physical repercussions will be coming to light in a couple of weeks. Listing the lessons learned and finding the words to portray the events is now the challenge.

Do not let unresolved issues continue to take you down that dark corridor. Pull them out, face them, learn from them and heal them in your mind. When you do that, you heal yourself.

May your day be blessed.

4 thoughts on “The Dormant Seed”

  1. It sounds like you are experiencing some dissociation. I am not a professional by any means. I just have lived experience. When I am triggered, I leave. I go away. Dissociation is how your brain protects you. Mine started when I was a young child and I have dissociated ever sense. It helped me once I realized what it was and why I did it. Many experiences in my life made much more sense. You may be already aware of this of course.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My body has also been the victim of pushed down issues since I was a child; the result being Multiple Sclerosis and many other health problems. When i was forced (by being put into a mental health facility) to face those wounds, I walked through fire. But I got there, to the other side. I have now learned to respect my body, mind and spirit. At one point I was using a wheel chair and a walker but now I can hike with my children on a mountain trail. I am so grateful for the gift I was given on that terrible day that they put me in that hospital. It was the beginning of a new life for me. You are a survivor Renee. I feel your strength and respect your wisdom. Thank you for sharing the evolved “you”.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your strength, determination and willpower to move past the stigma of your diagnosis reveals your resilience Mary.
      For me the fight is getting to be as old as I am – LOL! It is literally taking the breath right out of me, piece by piece and taking longer to heal between rounds – but it nice to come up for air!

      Liked by 2 people

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